Bitter Sweet Me

Apa sih kangen? Perasaan susah bernapas kalo denger lagu ‘perfect day’ nya Lou Reed? mata panas kalo menatap foto pipi gembil anak and senyum lebar suami tersayang?

Apa sih kangen? suara ngorok halus seorang Jessy Faiz yang tertidur dengan buku Susana Clark yang setebel tafsir quran keluaran departemen agama? Tangan kecil yang mencari leher dan tersenyum lebar jam setengah lima pagi? Makan pagi terpaksa dengan nasi uduk tigaribu perak plus sambel kacang yang bikin mencret dan dadar telur setipis kertas?

Kangen itu aneh. Selalu datang pada saat kita kira semuanya udah bisa selesai. Waktu musim gugur, kangen datang seperti pohon-pohon kesepian yang ditinggal pergi daun2 coklat. Waktu salju setinggi lutut dia datang seperti blizzard, kecil2, tapi dingin menusuk. Waktu spring, kangen bermunculan seperti bunga2 ungu di rumput, malu2 tapi datang bergerombol.

Jessy, aku kangen. Yang, cintaku berat di ongkos.

On second day of January I was lost in the little lonely town called Lund. It was 8.15pm. All the windows were still (because of new year holiday) dark. The lonely cobblestone roads were overshadowed by tall renaissance-style building. I was lost on my way home.

Then I remembered my husband advice: “just re-route, do not attempt to make funny turn at some intersection, just re-route”. So I did.

Then I was ‘found’. Two fine gentlemen dressed in long black coat were approaching me. They seemed so young, they wore some kind of black uniform with black and white striped tie. First asking me question in Swedish, which I shyly repiled ‘I dont speak swedish’. Wide smiles in front of me, ‘as a matter of fact, we dont really either, we’re from the US,’ then they kept talking, apparently about some church of Mormon, which believe in the Bible and Book of Mormon. They asked what my religion is, i answered, I’m a non believer. I was brought up as muslim, but my belief has gone since couple of years ago. And they gave me a brochure. and the webaddress, and the telephone number which i can contact should i want to know more about the church.

When you’re lost. What you really need is just a bloody map.

5 miles a day.

Just me and the road. No one else.

I need that. Physically and mentally.

My mind has been crowded by many unnecessary thoughts.

Like, not being able to be young, beautiful, wild and restless. Not being able to easily fitted in. Not being able to speak my mind. Missing husband and son so much, but also being grateful because they’re not here to witness me in this lowest point.

My mood has been swinging, no, has been riding in a roller coaster.

5 miles a day, sometimes two times daily.

Just me and the road and the loud music in my eardrum.

Ini bukan plesetan dari artikelnya Chandra Mohanty. Tapi harus saya akui kalau saya sangat terkesan dengan apa yang dikatakan seorang perempuan asal Taiwan yang sedang kuliah S3 tentang sosiology gender di Lund. Perempuan itu memberikan materi yang menyegarkan ketika kita sedang membahas inter cultural communication di minggu pertama introduction. Katanya, saya sebagai perempuan dengan bahasa Ibu yang bukan bahasa Inggris sering mengalami kesulitan untuk mengemukakan pendapat saya di kelas. Sementara those foreigner dengan komentar mereka yang dangkal dan asal bunyi bisa membuat professor saya mengangguk-angguk.

Besok ada seminar. Tinggal 2 chapter lagi dan satu paper tebal yang belum saya baca.

Paling enggak saya tahu siapa itu Thomas Kuhn, apa itu neo-liberalism, saya sudah hampir menamatkan bukunya Sen dan Stiglitz, saya mengerti sedikit tentang postmodernism, postcolonialism, poststructuralism….

Saya bisa menulis banyak sekali komentar dan further reading yang akan saya ajukan buat reflection paper.

Tapi berani taruhan seratus kroner kalau besok saya akan diam seribu bahasa……

Duapuluh tujuh jam lagi kuliah. Masih ada 4 chapter dan satu essay yang belum dibaca. Berikut hal-hal yang sudah saya lakukan pagi ini

5.47 seperti biasa, bangun kepagian
6.00 bangun, minum air putih
6.04 baru inget kalo janji sama Gita untuk bikinin rendang
6.10 mulai masukin bumbu rendang dan santannya
6.15 nyalain komputer, ngecek email dan siapa aja yang online. Tentu saja, tidak ada seorangpun yang online
6.20. mulai nyetel lagu di komputer
6.30 baru sadar kalo orang mungkin masih pada tidur, jadi pake earphone dan mobile MP3 player aja….
6.40 Mulai joget2 karena lagunya ‘endang’ banget
6.45 american pie is playing, karena lagunya panjang banget, dan kayaknya liriknya dalem banget ya browsing dong untuk nyari liriknya
7.00 a day in a life is playing, penasaran dengan tempat apaan sih, Albert Hall itu, browsing ke wikipedia dong!
7.15 i’ve just seen a place is playing, joget sambil pura2 main gitar di depan kaca
Wah seru! joget sambil ngaduk2 daging rendang di panci. Airnya kebanyakan, bodo ah, rebus aja sampe asat.
7.25 Mulai panik karena belum baca satupun bahan kuliah
7.30 mulai baca sambil minum air putih
7.45 baru inget kalo jarang banget buka website indonesia, browsing kompas.com dulu dan baca berita Diah Permata Sari rumahnya kena rampok

Nah, sekarang bukannya balik baca bahan lagi, malah nge-blog. Padahal jam 3 ada janji sama anak-anak sekelas diketuai oleh Jan ‘Banan’ Prothman si orang Jerman botak pergi ke Lomma Beach.

Hah! 24-hour a day is definetely not enough for me.

Harus saya akui kalau saya ternyata tidak begitu grammatically correct kalau berbicara dalam bahasa Inggris. Iya lah, saya nggak pernah belajar bahasa Inggris selain di SMP dan SMA, nggak pernah ikut segala macem les, nggak pernah pergi ke tempat dimana Bahasa Inggris menjadi bahasa pengantar selama lebih dari 3 minggu.

Coba aja ada speaking checker chip yang di-implant di deket rongga mulut, yang ngecek setiap kata dalam Bahasa Inggris baik grammar dan pronounciationnya.

Terus ada pilihannya, mau English UK atau English US, lengkap dengan accent-nya.

Saya mau beli, 2, satu untuk cadangan kalau-kalau saya menghilangkannya, atau tercecer dimana, gitu. Kayak dompet saya yang tercecer di toko H&M, dompet koin dan kartu bis yang saya taruh begitu saja di deket kotak pos….

Kalau saja ada.

Ini buat persiapan 2 seminar di minggu yang akan datang, dengan 7 bacaan compulsory dan 1 bacaan recommended.

(Dear Jessy, I’m elated. You know why. You’re right, darling. I should not have worried too much about catching up!)

Bersama blog ini saya meminta maaf.
Kepada negara saya, kepada pembayar pajak di negara Swedia yang ikut urunan membayari saya berangkat ke sini.
Dengan niat baik, tentunya. Menjadikan saya yang katanya termasuk kategori ‘key person’ di negara (sedang) berkembang supaya jadi orang yang hebat, bisa bikin negaranya naik pangkat, bikin komposisi penduduknya yang katanya hidup dibawah kurang dari sepuluh ribu perak sehari berkurang barang sepuluh persenan.

Mohon maaf, kayaknya saya bukan pemain kunci.
Saya malah sibuk download lagu2 kesayangan suami supaya bisa didengerin di bus saat berangkat kuliah, supaya saya bisa terus ingat suaranya…….

Saya amat sangat bukan pemain kunci.
Bahasa Inggris saya yang katanya diatas rata2 ternyata cukup mediocre.

Saya mohon maaf kepada negara saya. Kepada petani miskin di pedesaan yang nasibnya semakin nelangsa, karena swasembada beras yang senantiasa dibanggakan ternyata cuma bualan abad ini.

Saya mohon maaf. Karena sepertinya saya harus berjuang melawan rasa minder khas inlander dan rindu rumah, suami dan anak lebih keras dibandingkan dengan perjuangan seorang ibu di Kabupaten Sikka yang anaknya mati kekurangan nutrisi.

Saya sungguh2 mohon maaf.

(Aduh udah dong mellow-nya. Ini jam 2 pagi for god’s sake!)

Just a perfect day,
Drink Sangria in the park,

And then later, when it gets dark,

We go home.

Just a perfect day,

Feed animals in the zoo

Then later, a movie, too,

And then home.

Oh it’s such a perfect day,

I’m glad I spent it with you.

Oh such a perfect day,

You just keep me hanging on,

You just keep me hanging on.

Just a perfect day,

Problems all left alone,

Weekenders on our own.

It’s such fun.

Just a perfect day,

You made me forget myself.

I thought I was someone else,

Someone good.

Oh it’s such a perfect day,

I’m glad I spent it with you.

Oh such a perfect day,

You just keep me hanging on,

You just keep me hanging on.

You’re going to reap just what you sow,

You’re going to reap just what you sow,

You’re going to reap just what you sow,

You’re going to reap just what you sow…

(Dear Jessy, I remember how we dreamt about walking in the park. Sitting on the wooden bench. Doing nothing. I would continously talking about something that I just read and did not understand and you would continously talking about an odd machine made by the Japanese. Or we perhaps would just stare blankly at teenagers with funny dresses. Such a perfect day. There are plenty of parks and wooden benches for us to slowly walk around and sit here in Lund. They’re all look just like ordinary parks and benches without you. Miss you so much I could not breath).

Two ripe peaches, pitted, skinned, cut into quaters. 2 ounces frozen raspberries. 6 tablespoons sugar. cinnamon stick. water. heat 1 cup of water and sugar, stir in the raspberries, wait until 1 minute, stir in peaches, turn off the stove. Drain the peaches, reserve the liquid, to be made as raspberry sauce. Put the peaches and the raspberry pulp in the base of the aluminum foil pan. Wait until slightly cold.

To make the crumbs: mix 1/2 cup of plain flour. 3/4 cup of sugar, 1/4 stick of 250gr butter mix until crumbly mixture formed, add 3 tablespoons of ready to cook oat.

Preheat the oven 180C.

Pour the crumbs over the peaches and raspberries, press the crumbs a little bit. Bake for 25 minutes until golden brown.

Serve with vanilla ice cream and raspberry sauce.

It’s yummy. But somehow the peaches are too sour. I had to choose between fresh peaches over canned peaches. I chose fresh peaches.

The wisdom of this recipe: sometimes it’s okay not to be too much fastidious in what you’re believing. Use canned sweetened unhealthy peaches sometimes. Yes it contains hazardous preservatives, but it will make a perfect, not too sour peach crumble. Enjoy life!

(Baba, I miss baking for you!)

Somewhere over the rainbow. Way up high. There’s a land that I heard of. Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow. Skies are blue. And the dreams that you dare to dream. Really do come true

Some day I’ll wish upon a star. And wake up where the clouds are far behind me. Where troubles melt like lemondrops. Away above the chimney tops. That’s where you’ll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow. Bluebirds fly. Birds fly over the rainbow. Why then, oh why can’t I?
Some day I’ll wish upon a star. And wake up where the clouds are far behind me. Where troubles melt like lemondrops. Away above the chimney tops. That’s where you’ll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow. Bluebirds fly. Birds fly over the rainbow. Why then, oh why can’t I?

If happy little bluebirds fly. Beyond the rainbow. Why, oh why can’t I?

(Dear Hubby, one day I wished upon a star that I would fly where the dream that I dream would come true. And I did fly. I hope to the place where my dream will come true. But tell me one thing, sweetheart, why can’t I be as happy as the little bluebirds? Miss you like hell.)